Holy Week is upon us. Although I would say that I failed my experiment of daily writings, observing the daily office, and psalter-like orchestration, I do feel like I get it a little bit more. In fact, I think for the first time in my life I made a conscious effort to focus on the season of the death and resurrection of Jesus. I hope my heart has turned even the smallest bit more toward my Lord and Savior.

The interesting thing is that this (attempted) discipline has become really helpful in preparing for the Easter service at Cornerstone. I have been blessed to be included in the program this year, and it’s much more challenging than last year. Last year, we were a bunch of P.O.W. prisoners, and the story paralleled the story of Peter. But this year, it’s all about Jesus.

I have been praying that God would allow me to feel the weight that Jesus felt during his last days of ministry here on earth. It’s such a delicate balance, because I don’t want to cheapen the reality or emotion of His resurrection for the sake of a performance. How do you sustain a genuine brokenness, heaviness, and even what I think is a proper sorrow about the events that took place? Carefully, I suppose.

The cool thing is that I feel like I am a little bit closer to understanding why life isn’t perfect. A strange thing happens when we cry out to God in desperation and helplessness, He actually listens and draws us closer to him. Maybe not right away, maybe it has to stay foggy and hazy for a while, but at some point I think He allows us to see how that pain, that sorrow would draw our relationship even closer.

I believe the ever-wise and noble Stefan Knudsen shared this Søren Kierkegaard quote at the Eagles wedding this weekend, and it so struck me as I was reflecting on some recent events.

“Life can only be understood looking backward. It must be lived forward.”

I try to understand the confusion the disciples felt when Jesus was led out of the garden. I try to imagine the wonder a blind man felt when he was healed. I try to feel the weight and burden of carrying the world on your shoulders. None of it made sense at the time, but we look back and we can better understand what happened and why it had to happen.

There was One who was pierced through for our transgressions. He was crushed for our iniquities. The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed. God, may I begin to feel even a fraction of what You experienced on that day.